It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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