I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
