Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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