Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
