just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
