it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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