there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
