I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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