Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
