Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
