College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
