She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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