I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
