i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
