I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
where am i from again
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
