i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
