woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
