Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
