I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
