I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think my moral compass just broke
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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