I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
