My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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