she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we have officially lost it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're a waste of cheezeits
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
