my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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