i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
