from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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