Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You ruined the universe
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
