Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
