don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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