ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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