I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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