Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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