paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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