happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
