You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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