can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
