How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
did i walk over a car last night?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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