you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
