make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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