**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
