I haven't been this sober since birth.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
