Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
