$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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