He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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