Betty ford says i'm here all night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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