I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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