if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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