Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
