Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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