I cannot find my penis.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
