I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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