chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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