Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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