My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
