my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Are we still banned from the library?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
